Weaning Rua, 2 years + 2-3 months
Weaning Rua had been something that was on my mind for months before I actually summoned the courage and energy to start making some changes to our breastfeeding relationship. The clincher for me to begin this process was not necessarily that Rua was showing any signs of being ready to wean, it wasn’t a strangers’ comment at the library or societal expectation, but rather I got to the point where it was in the best interests of my own health and my relationships within the rest of my family that was the deciding factor for me. My eldest daughter was having particularly big feelings around my breastfeeding relationship with her younger sister, my partner was resentful of having that extra body between us in the bed each night and I was completely and utterly exhausted from being the one and only person who could put her down to sleep at night, and the only person to soothe her back to sleep 2-3 times overnight when she woke. It was no longer working for me, or for my family unit and so I decided it was time.
Prior to this, Rua had never been put to sleep in any way other than against me and my boobs. Aside from when she fell asleep in the car, pram or at daycare, then I was the one person to put her to sleep and I did that always by connection and calming through feeding.
Rowie and Rua. Photo credit: Ilsa Wynne-Hoelscher Kidd
I spoke with Rua about weaning often. I truly believe that she understood deep within her that this intense relationship was soon coming to an end. I began by removing the ‘feed to sleep’ relationship so started feeding her on the couch in the loungeroom at bedtime – a place we often fed anyway during the day, so it was comfortable and usual for both of us in some ways. We would then move to bed and we would snuggle up and fall asleep together as we had always done. This was a few weeks’ process, sometimes she would fall asleep while we were still on the couch, and other times she would scream for ‘booby’ once we got into bed and it took a lot of explaining and insisting that there was no more booby, that she had ‘bunny and dummy’ to comfort her, and of course, endless cuddles and snuggles while she drifted off to sleep. In these early weeks, there was a lot of crying and resistance – she was angry that her requests were not getting met and she was letting me know about it. Sometimes she would want a cuddle, sometimes she would thrash around in the bed, throw her bunny and dummy across the room and nestle herself screaming into the pillow or doona nearby. Understandably she had a lot of feelings around this process that she needed to get out of her little body. This is when my nervous system struggled the most. Knowing that I could bring immediate ease to her by feeding her to sleep took so much dedication to the bigger picture on my behalf – I was often in tears and wondering whether it was all going to be worth it. Wondering why I was doing this in the first place. When was I going to see any change in her want for feeding to sleep? When was she going to understand what was happening? I never left her in the bedroom by herself. I was talking to her the whole time, holding her, and making sure I was right there with her through this huge milestone.
Throughout these early weeks of weaning, I continued to feed her on demand during the day – which in my mind was still providing the closeness, connection and nutrients that made me feel better about the whole process. I began to dread night times as I knew it was going to be met with lots of tears and hard, hard things. I savoured the days when I could freely feed her and empty my boobs that were beginning to feel like they were new mothers’ breasts again – full and engorged. I was petrified of getting mastitis and craved that feeling of freshly fed soft boobs for my own peace of mind.
As this pattern continued over the coming weeks, it became more and more difficult for Rua to understand what was going on. I felt like it was so confusing for her to be feeding at will during the day, but as soon as bedtime came it was no longer allowed. I was becoming more lenient in the overnight feeds, and although sometimes she was sleeping through (which she had only done a handful of times up until this point) it was unpredictable for her and just wasn’t working for either of us. The toll that this phase took on me emotionally was huge, being in this ‘in between’ stage played on my mind so much that I couldn’t continue in this way. Having different rules for day and night seemed to me to be in some way harder for her to comprehend, so unfair, and so I decided that in fact, it would be easier for both of us if we completely ended our breastfeeding relationship.
It took me a few more days of relishing every daytime feed, of dreading bedtime and overnight wakings, until one morning I decided that this was going to be her last feed. I was exhausted, fed up, touched out, and didn’t have anything left in my body to give her. I was now both physically and emotionally ready. Knowing that she is my last baby, the grief surrounding this was immense. While feeding Rua at the kitchen table over breakfast, I asked Sonny to take some photos of this last feed on my phone and explained to Rua that this was the ‘last one’. A phrase she was very familiar with – one last play, one last biscuit, one last story. She looked knowingly into my eyes, gulping rhythmically for a very long time. This was the 18th of November 2022.
The next day I went on a road trip to the beach with some old, dear friends, who also happen to be mothers. We had a long lunch, many heartfelt conversations, then went topless swimming in the ocean together to honour our journey, my body, and all it had given to Rua. It was freezing cold, there was sideways, very heavy and very sharp rain, but it felt good. To mark this occasion in some way. My body had fed two babies for a total of 3 years and 4 months. I was so proud of this.
That night I braced myself for resistance and it never came. The request for ‘booby mummy’ was more like knowing what my response was going to be. She shifted into role-playing breastfeeding, and weaning with her toys; them asking for booby and her gently explaining to them that there was ‘no more booby’.
I came home the following day after from being away from Rua for the morning and my boobs were full and tender and in need of some attention. It had been about 30 hours since our last feed. Incidentally despite it being well into the afternoon and past her usual nap time, Rua hadn’t slept yet, so the smartest thing for me to do was to give her a feed to sleep for the comfort of both of us. This feed was such a balm. It felt like we were stealing a few extra special moments together. Back to our old selves. Still, calm, easy. And now with hindsight – this feed truly was our last.
This was a monumental shift in the gradual loosening of the ties that had bound us together in the mother-baby diad for those first two years. It also meant that Rua dropped her day nap as I could no longer feed her to sleep and finding other ways to get her to sleep became a battle.
Nearly one month to the day after this ‘last feed’, I got in the bath with Rua. Something I wouldn’t have dared to do any earlier as it would undoubtedly end in her screaming for milk. She asked coyly for ‘some booby?’ I explained there was no milk there anymore and she didn’t seem to understand so I said she could try. Each time she neared my nipples she would burst into a nervous little giggle, throwing her head back in slight embarrassment. Something that had been so intuitive for her for two years was now something that she was unsure about. This is where I feel our feeding and weaning journey truly ended. I am proud of both of us in how we managed to navigate this enormous milestone together.
I organised a closing ceremony and some deep bodywork with a midwife who had been at Rua’s birth to honour the end of my birthing and breastfeeding days. A beautiful space was held for me in my own home to weep, to sink into what I was feeling and holding in my body, to release this and to call in qualities I want to bring into my body to take forward with me on this motherhood journey. And what a trip it is…
Rowie Cooke is a birth and postpartum doula and can be found at https://www.andthenpostpartum.com.au/ and on Instagram at @rowiecooke_doula