I am a mother to Ayden who just turned five and Atilla who will be two years old soon. I breastfed both of my babies, each vastly different and so too was our weaning journey. I delve a little into this and the way they came into the world as it is all intertwined.
I’ve experienced just how hard, beautiful and brutal breastfeeding can be. To nourish their bodies and strengthen our connection meant the world. And it also came at a cost to my own mental health as I dropped deep into feeling guilt, failure and self-doubt. Motherhood first time around taught me some hard truths, that were a blessing in hindsight. All the lessons of what not to do opened the path of re-imaging how I truly wanted to experience birth, breastfeeding and weaning in an empowered way. Although personal to me, there are so many threads of commonality between my experience and that of other women I work with. I share my experience in the hope of normalising just how diverse breastfeeding and weaning can be.
Breastfeeding & weaning Ayden
Ayden was born in the private healthcare system and entered the world via an emergency caesarean. Shortly after, I was taken into recovery and separated from my baby. A few hours had passed before I was able to hold him and have a skin-to-skin embrace, witnessing the magic of baby-led feeding as he crawled toward my breast. I thought we were doing well and remember thinking ‘Wow how easy and natural does this feel’.
Our first disconnection occurred after one of the midwives said it would be best to start him on formula, the reason being he was a ‘big boy’ (4.2kg) and that my milk was not enough. I was then told to use a hospital-grade pump to build my supply and a nipple shield as they described my nipples as ‘too small’. In a moment of vulnerability and pure exhaustion after a 23-hour labour and major surgery, I believed that her professional opinion ‘must be right’ and agreed to provide my newborn with formula two days after birth and use a shield with each feed. And so we commenced triple feeding (breastfeeding, expressing and formula) from thereon.
After arriving from the hospital we continued this routine which meant I was feeding in one form or another around the clock. While I fed or expressed, my partner sterilised and prepared all the equipment. We were both exhausted but continued not knowing any other way. I was completely invested in breastfeeding my son and felt devastated that it wasn’t the start I had hoped for. At three months, I stopped giving him formula and tried to exclusively breastfeed. As he started to lose weight the Maternal & Child Health Nurse (MCHN) said to wake him through the night for feeds and to re-introduce formula once again. At this stage, we were told to time feeds and keep a record. I experienced constant issues with blocked ducts, breast pain and engorgement. I sought help from multiple professionals and was given outdated and contradicting information each time. I attended my local Council-run breastfeeding clinic and was told that my son’s latch was fine but I still continued to experience painful feeds. I turned to the MCHN and was once again told that everything looked good. I called the Australian Breastfeeding Association which provided great emotional support through really tough times when I contemplated how to wean my son as the toll of triple feeding and painful feeds were becoming too much for my emotional wellbeing. In hindsight, I really wish that I had engaged an IBCLC lactation consultant to have one trusted source of information and support.
It was not after I had a bleb on my nipple that things really took a turn and I realised that I couldn’t continue breastfeeding my son any longer. I tried all that I could to get on top of it but it continued to cause pain and feeding issues. I remember reaching out to a GP in full desperation to heal the nipple damage and seek advice about weaning, only to feel judged for wanting to do so. My family could see the toll it was taking and would tell me to just stop breastfeeding. With no cheerleaders paving the way to show how breastfeeding could be a positive experience, I felt that it was all too hard and started to slowly wean my son when he was five months old. I started by dropping a feed every 3-5 days. He was still having formula so feeds were replaced with a bottle. Within a month, I had fully weaned my son. In some ways, I felt somewhat relieved and also a deep sense of grief and failure as I had intended to breastfeed my son for much longer. As I was struggling, I really wanted to wean him completely all at once but knew in my heart that it would be too difficult and brutal for him and myself. The slowness of dropping each feed created space to accept that our breastfeeding journey with all its challenges and glory was coming to an end.
Breastfeeding & weaning Atilla
The second time around I knew I wanted to do things differently in order to give breastfeeding my son the best chance possible. I saw a lactation consultant during pregnancy to prepare and troubleshoot previous challenges. I birthed Atilla in a public hospital achieving the VBAC I intended. With a third-degree tear and haemorrhage, I was taken to the operating theatre and once again separated from my newborn. This time we had oodles of skin-to-skin and his first latch directly after birth. I had expressed colostrum during my third trimester which was so handy while in surgery and during recovery. Afterwards, we had lots of skin-to-skin again and prioritised feeding him regularly. I continued to feed on demand and exclusively breastfed Atilla for 21 months.
At approximately eight weeks, I experienced some feeding challenges and sought support from a lactation consultant which helped to resolve the issues we were facing. Other than blocked ducts every now and then and the occasional playful bite of the nipple, we had a fairly smooth and fulfilling breastfeeding journey that nurtured a beautiful connection between the two of us. Generally, I would feed Atilla to sleep and bed-sharing made it easier to feed him throughout the night after each wake. By 12 months, my husband and I felt completely depleted and exhausted from sleep deprivation. For me, I started to feel that the countless feeds and fatigue were stirring resentment. I hadn’t necessarily planned on night weaning him, though, after another night of multiple wake-ups, I offered him comfort and touch in place of a feed. He cried for some time and I continued to hold space for his feelings. This helped to settle him back to sleep and from thereon even though he continued to wake throughout the night, he no longer gestured for a feed. It meant that both my husband and I could now share settling him each time. This coincided with my return to part-time work. As Atilla was well and truly enjoying solid foods by now, I didn’t introduce any other form of milk replacement while at work. It meant that the number of feeds we had were less and so too my supply adjusted with time. We continued to feed in the morning and straight after picking him up from care, sometimes another feed in between and before bedtime. I wanted to continue breastfeeding and felt it wasn’t yet time for this to end. Atilla loved our feeds and so I really struggled to imagine how we would ever be able to completely wean.
When he was 16 months old, we experienced a tragic loss in the family and though feeds were even more important now for emotional support and connection, stress and grief had a real impact on my supply. This was met with signs of frustration from Atilla and soon after he refused feeding from one breast (this breast was also rejected by Ayden just before weaning). This naturally meant the number of feeds dropped to only occur first thing in the morning and just before bedtime. Soon after it became a feed only at night. This continued for some time until I experienced pain in the breast that he no longer fed from, months after our last feed. I had a strong sense that our breastfeeding journey was coming to an end and had started reading about ways to wean. I also felt a shift in our feeding relationship with feeds becoming shorter and more so a form of connection and play. Our night routine had slightly changed as we moved Atilla into a big bed (he never loved the cot) where he slept for the first few hours of the night, joining us after his first wake. Sharing a room with his brother, nighttimes now included reading books, story-telling followed by lying beside Atilla until he fell asleep. After feeling the breast pain mentioned I had decided that it was time. I felt ready to wean and also felt that Atilla was showing ways of readiness too.
One night as I lay next to him after telling stories, he asked for ‘meme’ (meaning boob in Turkish) and I responded ‘no meme tonight’. As he would ask each time I would either say, ‘no more meme’ or ‘not tonight’. He cried and I continued to comfort him in my arms. Eventually, he rolled over and fell asleep. He continued to ask for meme over the following couple of nights and eventually, it became playful as though a way of processing and making sense of the ask, boundary, cry and comfort. At times, he sought comfort from his dad when I would say no more meme. I continued to lay beside him till he fell asleep, creating a new bedtime connection with hugs, singing and touch. He completely stopped asking for meme within the week.
Weaning Atilla unfolded a lot easier than I had imagined as I truly feel it was the right time for both of us. Now in place of breastfeeding, we connect with cuddles and kisses, eye contact and giggles. It’s only been a few months since completely weaning and so I feel I haven’t truly had time to process all that I am feeling. There are definitely times that I miss breastfeeding and also welcome the space weaning has created for me. I feel a shift has occurred, somewhat a completion of one chapter, while I enter the next phase of mothering a young child and toddler. Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and motherhood have changed me completely. To mark this rite of passage, I will be having a ceremony to honour myself and my life-giving body.
Photography credit to Hilary Walker
Imren is the mother of two and a postpartum doula and can be found on Instagram @awakeningpostpartum