Whose decision was it to wean?
I think both my bub and I contributed to the decision to wean. From around 12 months of age, I made the call to night wean my baby. We were having a very challenging time with sleep and my resentment levels were starting to creep up. My bub then slowly and gently started to wean himself from his day feeds over the course of 6 months. The on-demand feeding stopped, as he simply didn’t ask and slowly but surely, he grew less interested in his morning and afternoon feeds. We both held onto his pre-bed feed for another few months. I was in no real rush to drop this feed, and very much left it in his hands. Then, one night in June this year we sat together in our feeding chair – the chair we have spent hundreds and hundreds of hours feeding, snuggling and contact napping and instead of nuzzling in for a feed, my little one jumped off my lap and went to play with his toys. And that was that!
I called my partner over and gave him a big hug and had a little cry. I then sat next to my boy and told him that if he didn’t want milk anymore it was ok and that I trusted him timing. I sat in awe of his intuitive knowledge of his own needs coupled with anticipation of what the next night would hold, whether it was a fluke or truly the end of our breastfeeding relationship.
What played into this?
I think the energy between us had been working towards weaning for some months. I had always wanted it to be something we decided together and feel so lucky that things went down that way.
I think the main factors at play were my decision to night wean, my boy having a few days a week at daycare without milk (and doing fab!) and my trust in his ability to know when it was time to finish feeding. Whilst also not forgetting my own needs in the mother-baby dyad and the reciprocal nature of a feeding relationship.
In retrospect, I also see that my bub weaned himself a few days after I was involved in something highly traumatic, so I think that may have played into things as well. While also knowing we were slowly and steadily working towards weaning regardless.
What were your initial thoughts/feelings?
When the second evening rolled around and my bub wasn’t interested in a feed, it became clear our feeding journey was done – the feelings were incredibly beautiful and potent. Whilst there was a glimmer of sadness and melancholy, the more prominent feelings were contentment, fulfilment, and a deep connection with my boy.
The start of our journey as mother and son was not without its challenges. So much power and autonomy were taken from my baby and I during and after his birth. We were almost immediately separated; our golden hours were spent on separate levels of the hospital. My son was in NICU and myself on the maternity ward in shock and alone. Those dark few days after his birth made me feel hopeless about our breastfeeding journey, I thought we had little to no chance of getting back on track. This, coupled with random and outdated advice from the ward nurses and midwives left me feeling uncertain, alone and scared about how our journey would unfold.
As we landed back home, we found our groove in breastfeeding, away from the noise, brightness, and coldness of the hospital ward. We started to connect, and I realised my body was the only thing he needed. I was able to trust my body, dare I say even love my body for what it could do for my boy. I was able to bond, connect and trust my darling son and let his needs lead our feeding journey. Our feeding story went from one that felt hopeless and doomed to one that was healing, loving and tender. Whilst it was of course not without its challenges, feeding healed so much for me. It helped wash away my negative feelings towards my body and my breasts, it helped to heal my birth trauma (alongside counselling and other important modalities) and was the true start of my loving bond and connection with my son. I know how much of a privilege and blessing this is.
How did you go about it?
Knowing weaning was on the horizon, I had been taking a tonic formulated by my naturopath since my son’s first birthday. It was formulated to support my body, hormones and emotions whenever it was time to wean. I also spent a lot of time hearing other folk’s stories of weaning. What worked, what didn’t work, what they would have done differently. I also spent some time talking my partner through the potential weaning process and what the emotional and physical needs may be for our son and I. My partner was well-prepared to hold space and support both of us, which was a strong protective factor in my positive weaning experience.
What was the hardest thing?
The hardest thing for me was letting go of such a healing part of my mothering experience. I had real fears that my physical and emotional bond with my son may change when he decided to stop feeding. As someone with lived experience of anxiety and depression, I feared my own hormonal and emotional state after weaning. I am very lucky to say that these fears proved unfounded. My hormones levelled out rather quickly and my son still lives on my chest with his hand down my shirt. We have never been closer.
What came with ease?
Trusting in my son and his timing came with ease. Since I was pregnant, I would talk to him in my womb and tell him I trusted his timing. This continues now that he is Earthside. I trust him to know when he is ready to hit milestones, when he is ready to sleep through the night by himself when he is ready to toilet-train – all of it. My job is to trust him, let go of my own expectations and let him lead. Because when he is ready for something when something is a full-bodied “yes” for him – nothing can stop him.
How do you feel now?
I feel proud, content, teary and incredibly grateful. I adored breastfeeding my boy. I loved what it gave us. I am so humbled by what it healed for me. It undid years of negative feelings towards my body and my breasts. I feel grateful to have heard and witnessed so many weaning stories, so I was prepared for what the experience may entail. I feel lucky to have the love and support of my partner who was ready to listen and act upon my guidance. I am grateful for the beautiful imprints and stories about breastfeeding that my mother handed down to me. I feel deep reverence to now work as a doula and see other people’s stories unfold. The beautiful parts. The challenging parts. The healing parts. All of it <3
Are there any reflections you would like to share?
There was so much sacredness lost in my birth and early postpartum experience. It was important to me that I created some ceremony for myself, my boy and our milk once I knew that he had truly weaned himself. We did this by sitting and cuddling together in our beloved feeding chair before we moved outside to our veranda where we spend so much of our time together. We lit incense, played music and poured my milk into the soil where my marigolds grow. We hugged and snuggled, as I thanked him for our beautiful feeding relationship.
Sami Stewart is a Preconception, Pregnancy and Postpartum Doula based in Brisbane and can be found on Instagram @theholddoula and on her website www.theholddoulaco.com